This is our story of heartbreak, but more importantly this is our story of hope. I am not sharing our story on the Internet for sympathy or attention, but I am sharing our story for healing. Healing for myself and hopefully healing for you. For those of you that know me, you know that I am an open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have contemplated writing this blog a million times over, but I just keep coming back to it and my heart keeps telling me yes. I want my blog to be a place where I can share everything that's going on in my life, whether it be really happy, great stuff or really hard, sad stuff. It is my prayer that our story may help you if you've ever experienced a miscarriage or loss, just like other blogs and stories have helped me through the last week of life. This is also a journal for me. I want to remember every last detail, as hard as it may be, so that one day when my house is full of crazy children running around like heathens, I can look back and say "God is good, all the time and all the time, God is good."
It was May 27, 2016 and I decided to buy and take a pregnancy test before we headed to my 10 year high school reunion that evening. I wasn't expecting anything to happen, I just knew it could be a possibility and I wanted to take a test because I was planning on having some wine at the reunion. I took the test and it immediately came back positive. Aaron and I were both shocked, but extremely excited, but we still couldn't really believe what we saw. Three more tests later, and it finally set in that we were going to be parents! All we kept thinking was how in the world are we going to keep this a secret this weekend? We were able to keep it a secret from almost everyone. I told my best friend that day and another friend figured it out at the reunion, but we were too excited to keep it a secret from our parents. On the car ride there, I made a sign for Samson to wear into my parent's house to surprise them. My dad knew right away what was happening, but it took my mom a little longer to figure it out.
Samson was so excited to share the news.
The next day, we went over to my brother's house and I asked if I could change my niece's diaper. I took her into the nursery and put this sticker on her onesie and handed her back over to my brother. We got it on video and it was so fun to see their reactions. They were so excited for Guinevere to get a cousin so close in age. On our way home from the reunion, we stopped at Aaron's parent's house and told them the news. They were ecstatic to become grandparents for the first time.
We had our first ultrasound a couple of weeks later and everything looked great.
A couple weeks later, we went to our annual family reunion with my dad's side of the family. Since we had been to the doctor and were 10 weeks along we decided it would be the perfect time to tell them our news. We did a living family tree and the great-grandkids narrarated our family history while each person stood in line in the order they came into the family. We had family t-shirts with numbers on the back in the birth order. Once everyone was standing in line, they all assumed we were done, but then we announced that #29 would be joining the family February 1, 2017.
At 11 weeks, we decided to tell our closest friends. We told all of our bridesmaids and groomsmen that were in our wedding and I told my closest friends from high school. A few days later, on Friday, May 15th I noticed some spotting while I was at work. I left work a few minutes early, in a complete frantic and headed home to get Aaron so we could head to the ER. That night at the ER was awful. They did all kinds of tests...blood work, listened for the heartbeat, ultrasound, pelvic exam, urine sample, etc. We were there for 6 hours with no answers. They didn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, which we knew was completely normal because we were still so early on, but when the PA couldn't find the heartbeat on the ultrasound, I started to get sick. He assured us to not assume the worst because he didn't do them often and wasn't exactly sure what to look for and the ultrasound machine was very old. The Dr. came in and said they were concerned because my HCG count was lower than normal, but they needed another sample in two days to compare the numbers to know anything for sure. We left the ER that night extremely discouraged and felt 1000x worse leaving than what we did coming in. I rested the next day and tried to think positive thoughts and we planned to call my Dr. first thing Monday morning to get in and see her.
Sunday evening, I started having horrible cramps and I knew something was wrong. As much as I didn't want to go back to the ER, I knew it was the best decision because I was in excruciating pain. We went to a different ER this time and they were wonderful. They got me back immediately and started running tests. I was in major pain so they gave me Morphine in an IV and that helped a little, but I felt like I was going through labor. At that point in time, we both pretty much knew a miscarriage was happening. The Dr. took another blood sample, examined our ultrasound from Friday night's ER visit, and ordered another ultrasound. A little while later, he came back in and told us the devastating news, that we had lost the baby. We were heartbroken, completely shocked and at that point in time I was in so much pain that I was numb. The next few days were extremely hard. We both stayed home from work and tried to get some rest and heal.
The next few days were filled with lots of tears, lots of questions, phone calls, text messages, and physical/emotional pain. Through this entire process, Aaron has been a complete God send. He has been my rock, my protector, and the only thing that has kept me sane. It broke my heart to watch him have to watch me in so much pain because you could tell it was killing him inside. He remained so strong and waited on me hand and foot and he did it with so much gentleness and compassion. I cry more today just thinking about him and how he handled everything than I do anything else right now. Our relationship has grown so much deeper in the last week. In the last three years of marriage, this is the hardest thing we have ever been through, and I'm so thankful to have him by my side.
In the last week, I have read and heard so many stories of miscarriage and loss and each one of those stories has helped me so much. To all my friends who have been through this, your support and advice has meant the world to me. I am heartbroken that so many of you have had to go through something so terrible. There is one story in particular that has made the biggest impact on me. I was looking at a baby app on my phone for resources for healing and this book was highly recommended. I clicked on the book and ordered it immediately. This was the video that played when I found the book.
I cried for what seemed like forever after watching this video and I have played it so many times since. Their strength is unbelieveable to me and it just gives me hope that if they can get through what they went through, then everything will be okay for us. There is one thing she said in the video, that I have repeated over and over again and it has helped me so so much.....she says, "My Jesus is the same right now as He was when I walked in this room. He is still the same. He is still the same." Ugh, it gets me everytime, but it is so true!
I encourage you to listen to their song "I Will Carry You" by Selah. It is amazing. I would also encourage you to read their book. I got it in the mail yesterday and I started reading last night. I am already half way through it and I am AMAZED. There are so many sad moments, but WAY more moments where God was present and they glorified Him through the entire thing. It is truly an amazing story of God's faithfulness. I would love to pass this book along and share it with you, if you're interested. Please let me know if you would like to read it.
Aaron and I know that God's plan is far greater than anything we could think up on our own and we trust that His way is always perfect. We are so grateful/thankful for all the support, kind words, and encouragement we have received in the last week. Thank you for the calls, texts, cards, meals, flowers, and for just being there to listen and to ask how we are doing. Your kindness has made all the difference in the world to us and has helped us so much in the healing process. We don't know what we would do without you and we love you so much!
When you are sorrowful look again in your
heart, and you shall see that in truth you are
weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow,"
and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone
with you at your board, remember that the
other is asleep on your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between
your sorrow and your joy.
-Kahlil Gibran
Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you... O great and powerful God, whose name is the Lord Almighty, great are your purposes and mighty are your deeds. Jeremiah 32:17-19
